The Real Answer to “How Do You Do It All?”
The Question Every Working Mom Gets Asked
As a working mom building a business on the side, I'm often asked, "How do you do it all?"
There's a compliment inherent in the question that flatters while also complicating the response. Accepting praise gracefully is something we should all be better at—we dodge and demur too much—yet there’s also a massive injustice being done if we don’t take the opportunity to pull back the curtain and point to the bits that are messy or ugly or not “done” at all.
It's not about being self-effacing or trying to dodge the compliment itself but being realistic. No one does all of this with ease or because they're a superhero but because there are certain things they've decided to let go. You do it all by leaving some things out of the “all,” allowing them to be messy or neglected or tossed into the mental basket for another day.
The Best Advice for Working Moms Trying to Balance It All: Decide What to Let Go
The best piece of advice I could give anyone about trying to make it all work or to find ways to balance different projects is to decide what you can let go of (and then eliminate any guilt as quickly as possible).
For me that meant accepting that right now, at this stage of life and work and family, our house will never be impeccable or tidy, with toys put away and dishes cleaned and dried.
As much as I’m amazed by friends and colleagues who have admitted that they can't go to bed with a mess in the playroom or dishes in the sink, I also usually feel a sense of sadness. How stressful that must be, to try and build the foundation of something or mentally stitch together a big picture while also worrying about a mound of Legos.
What “Doing It All” Actually Looks Like In My House
The only way I’m able to pursue the various things I love while retaining some bit of sanity is to accept that things won’t be tidy. If you popped into my house on any random evening or Saturday afternoon, you would find more than half of all available surfaces covered in a mixture of kid stuff and laundry and groceries and papers that came home in the backpack. I wish I had a tidier bone in my body with more hours in the day; I wish I had a full-time housekeeper to help, but the fact of the matter is we don't.
In putting focus and energy on thinking and building, I’ve let go of the dream of everything being put away in its proper place or square footage free of the detritus of life with small children. It’s a tradeoff, pure and simple, and one that I’ve had to acknowledge and accept as part of the formula I’m living.
So, the short answer that I give when asked how I manage everything on my plate is one I hope they don't think I'm saying in jest or to be flippant, because it's the truth. “My house is a mess,” I’ll say. “I always go to bed with things left out.”
Ranking and prioritizing is an unavoidable part of being a multi-faceted person juggling work and play and ideas. Letting go of something is the only way to make space for something else, and for me, it’s releasing concern over all the stuff (that definitely makes me want to shout and pull at my hair at times). I wouldn’t say it’s ideal, but it’s the reality of being able to pursue what I want to chase, to put time into the things that I have to get out of my head and into the world.
